Courtney Finklea on the Cost of “Having it All”

Introducing “Personal Essays” where women get to share their unique stories, thoughts and experiences directly with you.

Courtney Finklea Green spent most of her life setting and smashing her life goals - education, career, love. But her determination to cross achievements off her list led her to compromise her physical and mental health, and ignore costly red flags. Your goals may not end up hurting you, but the underlying reason for your goal just might. Courtney found this out with considerable difficulty, but she has no regrets. Now at 40 years old, she looks back on her life and quite likes the woman who’s emerged from the ashes of her previous self. Below she takes us through her harrowing experience to motherhood, what she learned and what’s next. Cover Image courtesy of Betsey Darley

“ Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life.”

-Prince

As a musician and life-long music lover, I tend to look at the story of one's life as very much like a song, with all of its rhythms, syncopations, crescendos and decrescendos. I find that all of the ups and downs are needed to create a beautiful melody. My motherhood journey has been a long and complex song filled with immense joy and great sadness. There have been so many lessons I have learned along the way, so many realizations that occurred long after an experience had ended. None of us is born knowing the purpose of our life or with an instruction manual on how to navigate it and a lot of us have to go through a lot to figure it out. Song lyrics and mantras also seem to help.

At 31 years old, I looked like I was living my dream. I had a great job in account management at a very well-known international company, was in my last year of graduate school, in a committed relationship with an accomplished man, and living in a beautiful home. It seemed as though all of my hard work had finally paid off and I had accomplished almost all of my goals. But looking back, all I see is myself fighting foolishly hard to hold on to those “accomplishments”, not knowing what it was doing to my health and to my life. The truth is that the job was incredibly stressful and my relationship had a lot of red flags that I kept ignoring. I so wanted to be a well-educated, wife and businesswoman, to “have it all.” The path to a complete and full life is paved by a high-paying job, a two-parent family and a gorgeous home isn’t it? Isn’t it…? I was going for it! I never did examine why I wanted those things or at what cost. “Just get them and deal with the fall out later!” I told myself. I focused my energy on the one thing that was still eluding me: I wanted to have a child, a lifelong dream that felt just a bit out of my reach.

I had been suffering from polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) since I was fourteen and the stress and pressures from my “dream job” had caused a really bad flare up of it. Elevated hormones caused fibroids, endometriosis, ovarian cysts and adenomyosis (go ahead and look that up). I had to have laparoscopic surgery to remove damaged tissue and growths, following which my doctor pronounced me infertile and recommended that I have a hysterectomy at the age of thirty. The first crack in the perfectly crafted patina of my life. My family was thankfully strongly against the surgery and I didn’t follow up on his advice. I decided to heal myself naturally by working with a doctor and naturopath named Dr. Theodore Watkins Sr. I changed my diet and started therapy to work on managing stress and better processing my emotions. I began to heal and a year later found out I was pregnant after returning from a business trip. Getting the news was unbelievable. My dream was literally coming true! I thought my doctor should have to eat crow when I showed up with my uterus fully intact and no fertility treatments. But the elation didn’t last long because the pregnancy was problematic from the start and wasn’t considered viable due to prolonged hemorrhaging. I couldn’t even announce the news to friends and family until the sixth month because I was never sure it was going to make it. Thankfully one day, five months into the pregnancy, the hemorrhaging stopped, but that good news was followed with a diagnosis of preeclampsia and I was put on bed rest. My dream was turning into my nightmare. I had been expecting that famous glow and the thick and lush mane that come with pregnancy hormones, the fuller breasts, and cravings for pickles and ice cream. Instead I got the side of pregnancy that no one talks about, such as cystic acne, hyperpigmentation, increased sweating, severe acid reflux, swollen appendages, and even worse, life threatening complications. Add to that a crumbling marriage to a partner who offered little to no support. How little? Well, while I was on bed rest during a snowstorm, he left me to go on a road trip with his fraternity brothers. I was seven months pregnant. Thank goodness for my parents and sisters who stepped in. Thanks to them, I made it to the end.

“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothin’ left...”

— Coolio

I remember very little from the day I delivered my son, DJ. The only thing I remember was someone saying, “code blue!" and DJ being taken out of my arms. I had almost died after giving birth due to massive blood loss. I don’t remember naming him, who came to visit, or what happened after I woke up from blacking out. I just knew I wanted to go home. Once, I returned home from the hospital, I entered into the darkest period of my life. You’re probably thinking, “there’s more”? Yes, indeed. Besides the physical trauma, I had to contend with the mental. On top of the physical recovery from the pregnancy, I was plagued by frequent nightmares and flashbacks from the traumatic delivery.  Additionally, I sunk into postpartum anxiety. It became so bad that I couldn’t drive my car until my son turned one. To this day, I avoid highways and use back roads. It took many years of therapy, which I still continue, to address my issues with chronic anxiety. To further sweeten the deal, my relationship with my spouse was hellish. There had always been signs of his inability to completely devote himself to the relationship, things I can now clearly label as verbal, emotional and financial abuse, but I had excused it all with the fact that he was there (I could hold on to a man!), an engagement ring, the wedding in Jamaica and our home. The toxic nature of the relationship had left me in a position where I put him above myself. I can’t give a good reason for why I wanted the marriage beyond, that’s what I thought I was meant to do. Certainly before 40! But now, he wasn’t showing up as a husband and father when I needed him the most and his absence was obvious to everyone around me. Sadly, the stress of new motherhood and my health problems, left me with no strength to leave or fight back.

“My sunshine has come and I’m all cried out.
And there’s no more rain in this cloud”

— Angie Stone

After many months of not being able to look at myself in the mirror, recognizing myself, hating my life and what it had become, I was at my wits end. One day, I picked up DJ, went downstairs to the living room, and got on my knees. I cried hysterically and begged God to get me out of this situation. Miraculously, once I was done crying and begging God to help me, I began to feel better. It was as if I had released everything I had been holding on to. Sitting there quietly with my son, I begin to reflect on the state of my life. I tried to remember the woman that I was when I was still planning my life and dreaming. I felt I back to get back to her for my son. Determined, I came up with a plan to escape and gave myself a deadline. It was time to fight and get my life back. To do so I had to tackle a few key areas: getting out of that “dream house” and eventually the marriage (what’s so great about keeping a bad man?), getting physically healthy, gaining clarity, and finding a new purpose that came from deep within me, not from ideals of what a successful, happy woman was meant to look like (I’d happily take less money and less ulcers).

Leaving the house of horrors

On the first day of  May 2016, in tears, I drove away from the marital home with my son in the car. As I cried and drove away, I refused to look into my rearview mirror. My eyes were firmly planted on the road ahead. When I got to the corner of the road, I stopped the car. I prayed and thanked God for getting me out of a situation that I once believed I was not strong enough to leave. Suddenly, I heard a car honk at me from behind. That was a signal that it was time to put the pedal to the metal. Happily, I made a left turn onto the main road and toward the next chapter in my life

My weight and physical health

When I delivered my son I had ballooned to 244 pounds. The complications from preeclampsia wreaked havoc not only during pregnancy but afterward as well. It was extremely difficult to regain the stellar health that I had before becoming pregnant. I got dressed in the dark and rarely looked in the mirror. I had tried to regain my health and lose fifty of the ninety pounds that I gained while pregnant. This all changed when I was on social media and came across a model name Maria Borges. She was so fit and was actually eating! I noticed that Maria had tagged a woman named Danielle Radosti Nowak who trained Victoria Secret models and was into holistic nutrition. I boldly sent Danielle a message and asked her if she could help me. It was more like begging than asking. Within 15 minutes, Danielle responded and told me not to worry. She said if I listened to her and promised to follow her holistic way of nutrition, she would take me on as a client. Desperately wanting to get my health and figure back, I agreed. Danielle said I wouldn’t be sorry and that my overall health would improve. She said I would be able to eat more than I currently was, yet maintain a healthy weight. Maybe it was also time to let go of years of yo-yo dieting, binging and starving? Two days after speaking with Danielle, I drastically changed how I approached my nutrition. To some, it may seem strict but for me it was urgent. It was more than just wanting to be skinny, I needed to be physically healthy to raise my son as a single mother. Thanks to my health and wellness guru and now dear friend, Danielle, I’m healthier than ever and continuing to improve on my holistic nutrition journey. Trust me, it is not easy! Every day, I have to convince myself that the celery juice that I drink in the morning tastes like a mojito.

Gaining Clarity

Due to not being sufficiently emotive (something I learned about myself in therapy), I had a very hard time processing the emotions from being a caretaker and mom to a toddler who seemed different from the other toddlers. DJ couldn't be in the same room with loud, rambunctious kids at daycare. Going through the car wash would lead to a meltdown. Our groceries are delivered to avoid a meltdown. He was being bullied at a school and wasn’t properly accommodated by the school. He didn’t get past six weeks of kindergarten and had to be homeschooled. I felt I was a bad mom and didn’t know what to do. I couldn't soothe him and handle all of the overwhelming emotions that came as a result. After numerous meetings, appointments and conversations, DJ was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD and a speech delay. He was also pronounced intellectually gifted. I was able to move him to a school that was better suited to him and get him all the necessary interventions that guarantee he will have the tools to grow out of his condition and successfully manage those he can’t. I was told my angel has an “engineer’s mind.”

For myself, I began to research ways I could better process my emotions and decided to start painting. As someone who played musical instruments, I’m surprised it didn’t occur to me sooner to seek refuge in the arts. Who knew, that putting a brush to canvas could be so therapeutic and soothing to the soul? The more I painted, the lighter I felt and my head started to become uncluttered as a result. In one of my sessions it dawned on me that I was forever changed. I would never go back to the old me. I had to empower the new me and learn to love her.

Finding Purpose

As a parent of a child with a disability, I had to do a lot of research to educate myself about how to successfully advocate for his rights to a free public education. FAPE is a federal law that ensures that parents of children with disabilities don’t have to go the expensive private school route to ensure their child receives an education. Additionally, I had to learn how to properly navigate federal, state, and school district laws and policies as they related to the special education/educational system. If it were not for organizations and groups of supportive mothers of children with disabilities encouraging me, I would not have had the stamina to fight for FAPE for DJ.  Their positive vibes kept me focused and kept my faith strong even in the most dismal of circumstances. I was so encouraged by the experience that I decided that I must pay it forward by helping other moms of children with disabilities. Without a doubt, I knew that my life’s work was going to be educating and empowering women who are parents to children with disabilities and with that Mustard Seed Mom was born. The purpose of Mustard Seed blog is to empower and embrace individuals on their unique journeys as parents of children with disabilities. I immensely enjoy engaging with parents and sharing my story as a parent of an exceptional child with the hope that it may encourage someone else.

“If you feel insignificant, you better think again. Better wake up because you’re part of something way bigger. You’re part of something way bigger.”

— Beyonce

I do not regret a single decision I made or the hardships that I have encountered in my life. Not a single one. Every single experience I have had, good or bad, has made me stronger, has encouraged me to use my voice to speak up for the helpless and overlooked, and to take better care of myself. This journey has given me confidence to take on initiatives I never would have imagined. I’ve spearheaded programs to promote literacy initiatives, special education, disability rights, and parental advocacy. I became a member of the Junior League of Washington. I was a co-founder with Maryland’s State’s Attorney, Aisha Braveboy, of the Prince George's County chapter of Maryland Women for Biden which led to more work on other local campaigns. I was recently asked to consider running for public office and was accepted to Emerge Maryland's political candidate training.

Nine years ago I wrongly thought I had everything I had ever wanted and had become all I would ever be. Less than five years ago, I left a toxic marriage with no bed, some suitcases, and a toddler, for an apartment on the other side of town. All I knew was that my son and I deserved more than the crumbs that were being dished out. Today at 40, I stand a woman who owns who she is, demands respect, and doesn’t back down from adversity. Women who read my story should not regard it as a cautionary tale against ambition or wanting to get everything out of life that they can. I only ask that you make sure you want whatever you want for reasons that come from within you and not at the expense of your physical and mental health. Look at my story as proof that no matter how bad things get, you can absolutely change your life. I’ll leave you with some of the mantras that helped me through the darkest days and the mediocre ones, because let’s face it, a lot of days are just mediocre. Nothing can stop me from pursuing what I am destined for. Nothing can stop you either.

“You have every right to a beautiful life.”

— Selena Gomez

You can reach Courtney at:

Instagram: @mustardseedmom