Don’t Listen to Anybody.
Be very careful about whom you take advice from. I’m going to tell you a series of true stories that illustrate why.
Concerning Salaries and Pay
In my final year of high school, I took a job as a hostess at a very popular restaurant. On my interview day, I was chatting with the other young hostesses and one of them told me, offhandedly, that the restaurant pays all new hostesses $6.15 an hour. I was glad for the information as none of the managers had mentioned the pay rate to me yet. When I finally walked in to speak with the manager, he asked me how much I wanted and I said $7. He agreed immediately and I walked out thinking I was slick. Throughout the summer I didn’t feel quite so slick because the hours on my feet were long and dealing with customers could be heavy. I really wished that I was making more. Many months later, I befriended another hostess who revealed to me that she was earning $9.50 an hour! What?! Why had that earlier hostess told me that? Was it even true? Was it indeed an offhanded comment or did she want to ensure that I didn’t out-earn her? I came in for that final interview ready and dressed to start working immediately. I held the leverage because they were short-staffed and needed me. So I could’ve asked for much more and they might have accepted. Or I could have at least asked for a high number and given us a jumping point to commence negotiations. Instead I went in there and chose a number based on what that hostess had told me. I never ever forgot this experience.
Lesson #1: You don’t always know the motivations behind why people tell you the things that they tell you. Even the people you trust, who may have your best interests at heart, can tell you incorrect, outdated or non-pertinent information that derails you. So be careful with how much information from others that you take seriously or use to make life decisions.
Concerning Opportunities and Access
As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Adaora and Max, I started looking into daycares and nursery schools. Zurich is like New York City, Paris and London in that childcare and school spots are very limited and parents have to act very fast. There is a very well regarded nursery school a town over from us that I kept hearing good things about but a few of the moms, had said “their wait list is so long” or “it’s impossible to get in to.” Foolishly, I listened to them and didn’t bother visiting, applying or reaching out. About a year into the twins’ enrollment at a different school, I finally accepted that I wasn’t thrilled with it and wanted to look into other options for them. I reached out to the “exclusive” school and set up a meeting. They were incredibly accommodating and got back to me quickly with available spots for the twins. Huh?! That was easy… But was it easy for everyone or just for me? Is it possible that the school preferred our candidacy for reasons that aren’t clear to us? Did they prefer my approach or that I had two kids enrolling? I don’t know. I do know that I didn’t have a hard time gaining admission for the twins. I’m tickled to admit that this event reminded me of my experience going to exclusive nightclubs when I was younger. Some people would complain they had an “impossible door” but I would saunter right in.
Lesson #2: People experience you differently from the way that they experience others. They have different approaches, different auras and are a different package than you. So don’t be discouraged from going after things that they believe are unattainable or restrictive. Those things may be indeed unattainable for THEM. Conversely, don’t discourage people from going after what they want based on your personal experience. They are not YOU.
Concerning Your Limitations
I have always been a very open person. The unfamiliar may be a tad unnerving but my curious nature and desire to explore always outweighs any negative thoughts or trepidation. I’ve also always believed that I could have anything that I wanted and would never limit my own access to anything or anyone. This approach was particularly key during my single years. I wanted what most women wanted: a good partner and a family, and I thought that it would be beneficial to keep my dating pool small in certain aspects and wide in others. During this time, I had heard time and time again, not to bother dating outside of my race, that caucasian, asian, Middle-Eastern or whatever men would never marry or take seriously, a black woman. That I would just be “fun”, a “fetish” or “curiosity” for them. Sometimes this advice would linger in the back of my head and I would at times question if any of the non-black men that I happened to date were behaving badly or noncommittal for this reason. Imagine blaming myself for the bad behavior of men! Luckily for me, my eyes and ears were always open and it was easy to observe my friends and fellow women suffering from the same nonsense from men of their races too. Needless to say I allowed myself to be pursued and courted by all races and nationalities and here I sit, married to an Italian man and living my dream.
Lesson #3: Don’t take on other people’s burdens and limitations. Their negative stories and experiences may not necessarily be yours. Don’t allow yourself to be discouraged or dissuaded by news or statistics.
Dear Reader, never blindly listen to people. Hear them out and perhaps even reflect on their words. But only let your eyes, your ears and your gut drive your actual decisions and actions.